Why Can’t I Just Shoot The Damn Door Open?
by ChocolatStar
Summary: A Resident Evil parody based on the first original game and the REmake. ...July 1998 and the S.T.A.R.S Bravo team have gone missing! At night! In the woods! Unfortunately for everyone in the Bravo team, the Alpha team have been sent in to investigate...
1. Did I Say Cerberus? I meant Platypus

**Author's Note: Hey everybody, I've recently wrote a bunch of Resi stories, but thought that I'd post this one first. It's a parody of the first Resident Evil/The Remake…I'm sure this has been done a few times already, but here's hoping you find something different in this one that you'll like. **

**I'm not exactly sure how good I am at this humour thing (it's my first time writing a parody) but read it and give me the honest truth. I'm not loving everything about this chapter, but I've been over it so many times that I'm going a bit mental lol so decided to just bite the bullet and post the damn thing. **

**I'd like to give special credit to the creator of Resident Evil: Flash Edition Opening Movie (it is fantastically funny and can be found on Youtube if anyone hasn't seen it) and Foulds, author of Resident Evil 0, The Insecurity of Evil - who gave me great inspiration without even knowing it ****J **

**Ur…Enjoy I guess! And P.S: I don't own any of the characters in this story or any of the plot…though the warped humour is all me. **

Why Can't I just Shoot The Damn Door Open? A Resident Evil Parody

Did I Say Cerberus? Of Course I meant Platypus

It was July in 1998 - and it was late. Not so late that you'd be having trouble staying awake but not so early that you'd be feeling pretty un-cool if you were to go to bed at that hour, it being so early and all…so somewhere kind of in the middle. Say in-between 9.00 and 10.00pm. Certainly late enough to plunge everything into a murky darkness at least.

….So basically it was dark and late.

A helicopter carrying the S.T.A.R.S Alpha team flew over the Racoon Forest, searching for their missing brothers in arms, Bravo team. The team had last reported from their current location - but they'd then lost all contact.

Everyone was worried - except for Barry who was too busy shinning his mid-life crisis Magnum and smirking to himself about Jill Sandwiches.

The Alpha team agreed that it had been a bit odd for the Bravo team to travel to the location at night when it was dark and so very hard to see and so very easy to get lost, but there you go.

Jill Valentine, master of unlocking and sandwich-making and a typically independent 21st century woman, scanned the dense tree line below with worried eyes. Sure the people lost were technically her subordinates and plus…she really didn't know them at all, but Jill liked to think that she was a nice person with a caring heart, so she would at least pretend to be concerned about the present situation.

Chris Redfield, typically attractive male lead, was standing guard by her side, also searching, but maybe caring a little more sincerely than Jill was - as that lost helicopter contained his stereotypical damsel-in-distress-despite-the-fact-that-she-kicked-ass-in-the-prequel female secondary character, Rebecca Chambers - and he felt, for some reason, that he needed to find her.

Suddenly the copter veered madly to the right, causing the pair to topple into each other. There was a moment of panic as the mechanical bird took a nose dive, before recovering and steadying.

"Sorry," called Brad Vickers, from his place at the controls, "I thought I saw a Mutated Bat from Hell…but it turned out to be a flying squirrel. No biggie. I won't freak out at the slightest thing and at the most inconvenient times. Promise. That rodent just took me by surprise is all."

The team all nodded in relief.

It was then that Jill noticed something outside. Smoke. Rising tendrils of the stuff. "Look Chris!"

At Jill's cry, Chris rushed to the windows. "What Jill - is it that abandoned train sitting randomly and ominously alone in the middle of the woods?"

"No, it's-"

"Or that top secret Training Facility?"

"No it's -"

"Or that tall dude with the really long arm and insanely sharp claw-hand waving at us?"

"No, it's the bloody smoke! The smoke!"

Chris stared. Hard. Squinting a little even. "Oh that….I don't think that's anything important."

Despite Chris's fine suggestions of not looking into the smoke incident any further, the Alpha helicopter settled down next to it a few minutes later - mostly because Captain Wesker had insisted with, some might say, a mad, traitorous glint in his eye that they would 'settle down there indeed' - after which he laughed evilly. …Everyone respected Wesker for his good positive attitude and ability to laugh in such a dire circumstance.

The smoking wreck of the helicopter was beyond repair and completely devoid of any Bravo members, save Kevin, the pilot - who by the way was very dead. Like seriously dead. In fact if there was a championship competition for how dead one person could be, Kevin would so win it.

The group stood outside the downed copter, staring. Hard. No one really bothered to check the body for any clues that would be useful to determine the cause of death - though Kevin did have some vicious looking claw and bite marks all over his body which were pretty telling.

"Right well let's split up and search the area, remembering to keep very far apart from each other at all times and on limited alert. Kevin's death was obviously natural, so no one worry," commanded Wesker.

"But Captain, shouldn't we inform the Department of Kevin's obvious mutilation and search together in one unified, well-defended group, as there's apparently something or someone very dangerous out in these woods?"

"Well Jill, despite that being a sensible and well thought-out plan, I'm going to have to go with my previous splitting-up idea, for I want you all to learn the importance of Splitting Up Whenever Possible, even when say…you're trapped in a hostile building of some Mansion-type variety, alone and completely lost, and you find a comrade, who by all accounts, it would be much safer and sensible to stick with - you should still split up."

Everyone nodded, awed by Wesker's wisdom.

"And for the record Kevin died of completely natural causes, anyone can see that - hell, he could even just be sleeping he looks so peaceful," Wesker paused, watching the sceptical eyes of his team stare at the contorted mask of fear and agony that was now Kevin's face. He coughed, "Completely natural indeed!…I mean this is obviously someone totally not mauled by a pack of Cerberuses."

The group looked about at each other uncertainly. There was beat of silence.

"Ur…what was that last bit Captain?" asked Jill, hesitant to question the all knowing, but no one else seemed to be stepping forward to do it. …Chicken shits.

Beneath dark, dark sunglasses, an accessory that no normal human being should be wearing at night when there's, you know, no sun, Wesker mumbled, "Ur…ur…I said that he was totally _enthralled_ by a _sack_ of ur…_platypuses_…yes, that will do."

Jill's eyes narrowed. "But that doesn't make any -"

"Right well, let's get moving team - fan out, remembering to keep a good distance apart so that you all completely lose sight of each other. Jill, you go and investigate over there in the darkest corner of the forest where that growling seems to be coming from. Ok - let's go!"

As one, the team moved out.

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**So what did you all think? Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. Remember this is my first outing in parody world so please be gentle ;) **


	2. Wearing an Eat Me Sign Is Never Clever

**Hey everybody, here's the second one. I'd just like to thank everyone who reviewed. It really means the world to me. I love receiving them - and you were all so kind. Big thank you's to Biggiemac and Aqua Crescent, who I couldn't send individual thank you e-mails to like I could everyone else, but I wanted too.**

**And now you're about to enter the world of survival horror. Good luck (because you're going to bloody need it with this God-awful writing! Lol) **

Why Wearing an 'Eat Me' Sign Is Never a Clever Idea

Jill, arms swinging casually by her sides and weapon holstered, approached the area that Wesker had ordered her to inspect. She looked around, finding nothing, but noticed that there was a really weird smell in the air…something not unlike a rotting pile of meat. Hmm, how curious.

Joseph, a man whose surname was never discovered or mentioned and is therefore a B character and expendable, was searching beside Jill.

She shot him a look, arms on hips. "Joseph, come on, I can clearly see you there and would so be able to protect you if anything bad were to happen. Now you heard the Captain's instructions - move over there into that deep, wooded area out of sight - oh and find out what that ominous growling is would you? It's annoying the bejesus out of me - see?" she added, gesturing to something that resembled a human-sized wedge of tofu and wore a sign reading, 'Hi, I'm Jill's bejesus.'

Joseph nodded solemnly. "Roger that."

As he turned, Jill frowned, "Joseph?"

"Yep."

"What the hells that on your back? …Is that…a sign? …What does it say? 'Eat me?'"

Joseph smiled. "Oh yeah that. Wesker told me to wear it - he said it would give me super strength!"

"Oh well that's cool!" exclaimed Jill excitedly, before her expression crumbled a little, "wait. I wonder why I didn't get a super abilities sign?"

"I'm just favoured I guess," Joseph boasted, none to modestly. "Anyways, I'll scream horribly in agony if I find anything," he added, walking off into the darkness.

A couple of minutes passed with Jill trying to concentrate on the task at hand, but it was proving impossible. She couldn't get her mind off of Joseph's super awesome sign. Why didn't she get a sign? She was totally deserving of one - after all, Jill had that whole lock picking thing going for her - what did Joseph ever bring to the team? Plus, he had that stupid bandana always wrapped around his head, while Jill wore a tasteful and trendy beret, clearly the much better headwear choice!

As Jill's inner monologue dwindled into useless ramblings, Joseph did indeed begin to scream in horrible agony.

She glanced in that direction, calling, "Joseph? Did you find something?"

Getting no response except for the continued panicked cries for help, Jill shrugged and walked over to where she believed Joseph to be.

But what she actually found were -

"Doggies!"

Jill smiled blissfully at the scene for a moment. The dogs obviously loved Joseph -playfully ripping him apart as they were. ….Wait. Her eyes widened. Something wasn't right here…

"Jill! For the love of God - help me!"

But she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was…

Joseph let out a straggled, gurgling cry. "Jill please! - They're killing me!…Jill? Oh God - why are you just standing there? Jill? …JILL?!"

Wait. A thought was emerging. …Slowly.

Those dogs - they weren't just playing with Joseph…they were -

Wait for it.

KILLING HIM!

"Oh no - Joseph hold on!"

Yanking out her gun from its holster, Jill aimed…and uselessly stood watching some more, before crying, "JOOOOOSEPHHHH!"

Bizarrely, this had no effect on anything. Ever.

One dog turned to her at the shout, chewing Joseph's flesh with the casualness of a thing that could not be challenged - and knew it.

"Hey lady," it barked - amazingly, "Do you mind giving us some privacy? I mean do I watch you when you're eating?! Ur, I don't think so!"

"Oh um, …I'm sorry," Jill tried, stumbling over her words in all the surprise of hearing a dog actually speak.

The creature's eyes narrowed dangerously. "That didn't sound too sincere there girly. Right, you're pissing me off. In the short amount of time that we've been talking I've weighed the pros and cons of killing you versus allowing you to live, and well basically when I tally up the totals and carry the one and divide by seven…I'm going to eat you now," - and with a vicious, growling snarl it leapt at Jill - mouth open wide in its sweet anticipation of warm flesh -

Before it was blown out of mid-air, crashing back to the ground in a rotting fleshy heap. Jill blinked at the dog in shock for a second, not quite understanding how she wasn't a well-chewed chew toy yet. Spinning around, she found Chris standing behind her, gun raised.

"Chris! How lucky and convenient that you were in the vicinity at that exact moment."

"Oh ouch," muttered the not-quite dead Doberman reject, "that hurt. - Zombie dog brethren! Unite! Avenge me! Bow wow wow!"

"Oh shit," uttered Jill, as the entire pack rushed at them.

The pair turned - suddenly running for their lives.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! But you haven't even finished eating Joseph yet - surely there's enough food there already?! - OH CRAP! Chris, there's no way we can outrun a pack of dogs!" Jill managed to shout out in-between all the cursing.

"No," muttered Chris, almost to himself, before shouting, "perhaps I'll just stand gallantly in front of you, thereby defending you and making me appear more mucho! Plus, Wesker gave me this great sign that makes me super strong!"

"Aw what?! Not you too…that's pooh - where's Jilly's sign?!" whined Jill.

Being all pre-occupied with risking his life and everything as he was, Chris understandingly ignored Jill, turning and stopping before the ravenous pack. He raised his arm, shielding his precious and beautiful face.

From seemingly nowhere, Wesker arrived, shooting the two nearest dogs and shouting, "Chris! This way!"

The twosome didn't need telling twice…well maybe Jill did - and as one - they legged it, with a randomly appearing Barry bringing up the rear.

It was then that the S.T.A.R.S helicopter flew over the retreating group.

"Sorrylefttheovenon, mynansdied and thecatslockedoutofthehouse!" blundered Brad from the cockpit.

The fact that Mr. Vickers had abandoned his team and left them all for dead surprised….well absolutely no one really. In hindsight, they really should have left him at home.

"Make for that scary-looking Mansion randomly built in the middle of an isolated forest!" came Chris's cry.

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	3. A DINING ROOM!

**Thank you all for your reviews! I really, really appreciate them and it's good to know that people are still reading this rubbish ;) This is the third chapter. I really enjoyed writing this one - mainly because it had a load of ridiculous dialogue that I could poke fun at ;) **

**Enjoy ya'll. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything. …Except for my own sharp wit of course!…ahem, yeah…**

A DINING ROOM! 

The sound of the dogs fast-approaching feet and vicious death cries were all that filled Jill's mind as she hit the Mansion's doors.

If they wouldn't open - the Alpha team were all screwed.

She tested the handle - finding it amazingly unlocked. "No shit," muttered Jill. Noticing that her men were still a few feet away, Jill nonchalantly pulled out a paperclip from nowhere, bent the metal into a straight piece and starting poking the keyhole with it.

Just as her three comrades crashed onto the porch steps, Jill threw open the door. They all barrelled in, slamming it shut behind them.

"Phew!" announced Jill. Loudly. "Good thing that I - Master Of Unlocking - could unpick that front door lock in time, otherwise we might all be dead right now….DEAD." She looked over at Wesker expectantly.

The Captain looked back at her. "Ur - yes, agreed - good job Jill."

The woman beamed. Awesome abilities sign, here she comes!

There was silence for a moment. Wesker got out a red M & M from his pocket and popped it in his mouth before anyone noticed. He smiled.

"Wow! What a Mansion!" boomed Barry randomly.

Jill looked around confused. "Captain Wesker, where's Chris? He ran all the way to this Mansion with us, so surely he should be here in this foyer with us now? Surely he didn't have enough time in the split second we all needed to catch our breath to walk off alone and get lost did he?"

As if answering Jill's logical questions, two distant gunshots suddenly sounded from somewhere deep within the building. Everyone turned to listen for more, but were met with only silence.

"Maybe it's…Chris?" said Wesker. "He must have entered the Mansion before us - despite the fact that he was behind Jill the whole run here - and gone on ahead to explore - despite the fact that any normal person and well-trained soldier would probably wait up for back-up before wandering off alone to explore an unsecured and potentially hostile area…Jill, go and check."

"I'm going too!" boomed Barry, "Chris is our old partner ya knooow?"

Jill blinked. "What an odd thing to say…"

"Right, you two go then, while I secure this area."

Jill and Barry looked around at the empty expanse of the foyer. In the corner a tumbleweed rolled by.

"Uh Captain?" began Jill, "this area already looks pretty secure. Plus, there's a typewriter in here which is a definite sign that -"

"Oh would you two just go already?!"

The two soldiers snapped a salute and left. Briskly.

They entered a long room, complete with an old Grandfather clock and a impressively kitted-out dinning table.

"A dining room!" exclaimed Barry.

Jill shot him a dirty look. "Please stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Pointing out the insanely obvious. 'Oh it's a mansion, oh it's a dinning room,' yeah I mean of course it's a freaking dinning room! What was your first clue? There's a freaking DINNING TABLE in it - what the hell other kind of room would it be?! It's not a hard thing to work out - in your HEAD!"

Crestfallen, Barry moodily kicked at the ground, head low. Jill stalked on ahead as he muttered, "I just wanted to add some dramatic emphasis…jeez, women are mean."

At the end of the table lay a large, almost perfect circle of blood.

"Ahh blood!" cried Barry, continuing quickly before Jill got the chance to be mean again, "I hope this isn't -" he paused, taking a moment. Jill looked at her watch and sighed. "CHRIS'S BLOOD!"

"…Well considering that Chris's body doesn't seem to be anywhere around here and there's no blood trail to suggest the metaphorical body was moved -"

"Still - it could be," dramatised Barry, "Jill, you go ahead. I'll be examining this."

Carefully, he knelt, staring at the blood. Intently.

Jill squinted down at him. "Examine it? What are you a forensics expert now? How are you doing anything other than looking really hard at a bit of blood on the floor and demanding that I go off into possible danger on my own?!"

Barry said nothing.

"Ur…Barry? Hello?"

From out of nowhere the words, 'Barry is examining the blood. I should leave him alone,' flashed before Jill.

Feeling cheated, she sighed, "What a cop-out way of getting me on my own. Fine - I'll go through the damn door alone then shall I?" She looked around her, shouting a notch louder, "don't worry, I'll go it alone…I could be walking straight to my DEATH but whatever."

She paused. Nothing happened.

"Oh fine," Jill finally relented, before entering through the door and slamming it shut behind her.

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**Hey, thanks for reading everyone. I had a lot of fun with this chapter. Really, Barry says some stupid stuff in this game doesn't he? ;) Stay tuned. **


	4. The Trouble With Slow Door Animations

**Hey everybody :D Thank you all so much for the reviews. You guys are amazing. I had a mental 'write story now!!!' day today - so I've done loads of chapters. Here's the next one. It's a bit wordy, with not as much dialogue as I'd like - but bless Chris, he is alone here, so I didn't want him going around chatting to himself like a mental. Anyways, I hope you like it anyways - and the next chapter (which I really enjoyed writing by the way) will be following this one shortly. **

**Oh and sorry about the 'dinning' 'dining' typos from the last chapter. I only noticed it when I had uploaded the chapter and then I couldn't be bothered to change it and then put it up again lol Anyways - have fun! **

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. **

The Trouble With Slow Door Animations

Right ok, so big scary, creepy-ass mansions had officially been added to Chris's 'stuff I hate list' - and, depending on how the situation progressed, could move up to his 'stuff I really, really super hate' list. But he'd have to see on that one. He wasn't about to go all crazy and jump the gun on such a serious issue after all.

Now then, after randomly deciding to ditch his team in favour of wandering around unknown and unsecured territory all on his own, Chris had found no less than ten zombie people, or what he had "cleverly" nicknamed, Pombies…for pretty much his own amusement really. Well, being trapped in a dangerously hostile building and all, Chris had to make his own fun where he could.

Chris was taking the knowledge that the walking dead actually existed surprisingly well - but then he was a professional. He had an image to protect after all and had to appear macho at all times…just in case Jill or any other fine females were to turn up.

Unfortunately, just appearing manly didn't get things killed. In fact Chris hadn't been able to kill any reanimated things yet, which was really depressing. But Chris was no less of a man, for he blamed the fact that he had nothing but a combat knife - which, let's not pull hairs here, is basically a dinner knife right? It's not exactly a machete is it really? - to protect himself with up until about twenty minutes ago.

Pausing in the middle of a zombie infested hallway, Chris put his hand up to his chin and struck a 'thinking pose,' remembering back to the fast-paced conversation he had had with Wesker on their run to the mansion….

------------------------------------------weird memory music!!!----------------------------------

"Chris! Throw down your gun!"

The soldier's eyes spun round to meet his Captain's in startled confusion. "What?"

"Yes. Your gun - throw it down now."

Chris only stared at Wesker harder, cradling his gun, affectionately known as little Roxy to its close friends, protectively to his chest. He didn't want to disobey a direct order, but there was just something a little bit illogical about throwing down your weapon while being chased by a bunch of savage un-dead thingies. …Not completely illogical mind you, but just a little bit.

"But, but Captain!" Chris whined.

"Damn it Chris! I know it seems to make absolutely no sense at all, but the truth is that if you keep that gun the…uh, the - _world _will just uh, IMPLODE!"

"What?"

"Yes Chris, the _world_! Do you really want to destroy the _world_ Chris? …I mean, it really wouldn't look very good on your resume for a start - world destroyer - now would it?"

Chris silently agreed that it wouldn't - and how would he ever get his dream job of playing Mickey Mouse at Disneyland Florida if he didn't have a great resume?…Plus, with the world imploding and all there's a chance that the fun-filled amusement park might not even be there at all afterwards!

"Oh my God!" declared Chris, shocked at his almost catastrophic mistake.

"That's right! So throw it down, save the world and be a hero! They'll cheer your name Chris…Have I ever steered you wrong before?"

"Well there was that time you told me to wear a wet, skin-tight T-shirt and even tighter cycling shorts, that left nothing to the imagination by the way, to that club where that really masculine-looking butch girl with that Adams apple came on to me. I mean, I know you said that she was hot but I really think that she was a guy! And -"

"Well alright, apart from that."

Chris couldn't think of another single thing, so it was with confidence and a smile that he chucked down his weapon, saying, "Anyway, taking the current situation fully into account, what with the screaming and the running for our lives, it's not like I'll need this ever again. That mansion up ahead will no doubt be completely safe."

---------------------------------weird 'coming back to reality' music!!!------------------------

…….

…….

"Hmm….Yeah, in hindsight, probably should have kept the gun," muttered Chris to himself.

Luckily, after returning to the foyer to find his team-mates completely not there anymore - how rude - he had found Jill's gun just left randomly on the floor. He'd think that a trained professional would be a little less careless than to leave their weapons lying around where any Tom, Dick and Harry could find them, but perhaps Jill having her gun had meant the implosion of the world as well…

It was then that Chris suddenly realised that there were zombies all around him and closing in fast!…Well as fast as zombies could travel anyway, which really wasn't very fast come to think of it. In fact, those zombies had all been there ten minutes ago when Chris had first begun reminiscing and they still hadn't reached him.

Still, he didn't want to be a jerk and hurt the zombies feelings with rash remarks that they were about as much threat to him as an unbuttered piece of toast, so Chris decided to at least act scared -

"Ahhhhh! Zombies!!!" he screamed rather insanely, before rushing forward, dodging a aimlessly wandering zombie who was continuously yet determinedly bumping into a wall, and flew through the door at the bottom of the hallway -

Except not.

As for some reason, when Chris went to open the door, it took an absolute age and a half. Actually, that was happening a lot in that house. It was like every time Chris went through a door, he'd stop for no apparent reason, stare at the door for ten seconds, the door would then very slowly open and he just sort of be transported through.

In fact, Chris couldn't actually recall physically _walking _through any doorways since he'd arrived.

The particular wooden barrier in question was still inching its way open as the soldier glared at his watch manically in frustration.

"Come on! Come on! Jesus, I could have actually done ten, count em -_ ten_ - full tours of this damned mansion by the time it's taken you to even open a centimetre! I know, wait no, I could have walked back to Racoon City, hired a balloon, flew around the world - twice - and been back here in time to see you open! That's how slow you -"

Chris stopped ranting abruptly, suddenly finding himself on the other side of the door. He looked about, feeling disorientated.

"Oh…well - that's better!" he stuttered, before continuing strongly, "yeah, I showed you door! Don't mess with The Chris! Yeah!"

Feeling weirdly exhilarated by the whole ordeal, Chris checked his new surroundings. He was in yet another hallway filled with rooms. Really, would a change of décor be so hard? However, this one also had a staircase leading downwards…

**And that's it. A little short I know, and not a lot happens I know, but feel free to review if there's anything to review in this chapter? The next one will be up really soon - and I promise you it's much longer and funnier (if I do say so myself lol) **

**Toodles for now :D**


	5. The Unpredictability of Magnum Power

**Hey everyone - thanks for all the reviews last chapter. They were very kind :D Here's the next one. I really enjoyed writing this, so hopefully that'll be translated over to you guys reading it. Let the silliness ensue! **

**Disclaimer: Own nada **

The Unpredictability of Magnum Power These Days

_Munch, munch, munch. _

Hmm.

Yes, Jill was certain now that those strange noises were coming from her left. She listened to her right for any weird, bizarre or potentially dangerous sounds, but it seemed clear.

Naturally then, she walked left.

The hall ahead forked directly right and seemed to open up to a much bigger area, but whatever or whoever was making all the ruckus had annoyingly positioned themselves out of sight.

Jill paused just before the turning.

_Munch, munch, munch. Brains. Brains! Munch, munch. _

Unfortunately, the noises gave nothing away.

Jill took a second to let out a steady, calming breath - one had to ready themselves for the unknown after all (only coming second to Splitting Up Whenever Possible and always finding the most convoluted way to solve every problem, that was the first thing the team had been taught in S.T.A.R.S school.) Having decided that breathing in and out was becoming a bit of a dull affair, the brunette walked around the corner - before crying out in absolute shock and disgust.

There, before her, was someone eating Kenneth - former S.T.A.R.S Bravo.

"Oh my God!…That's just so gross!" Jill spat, as the person stood and began stumbling towards her, groaning, "I mean, raw meat! Raw Kenneth! You can get salmonella from that you know."

The man, who was strangely missing quite a few chunks of flesh himself - and who's skin seemed to be peeling off really rather badly, rudely ignored Jill's concern and continued to scuttle forwards.

"I mean I know the Japanese eat raw fish, but I'm thinking that that's pretty different from completely raw human flesh," mused the woman, hand on chin, thinking, "Hmm…but then cannibals eat raw, and they always seem fine, well except for the obvious crazy -"

As the decomposing thing grew ever closer, Jill's eyes widened in recognition.

"Oh my God - wait!….Are you? Are you part of the cannibal race?"

He groaned.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to offend your people or way of life like that! And I'm sure you're not crazy…maybe a little decomposey and disfigured but damn if I were to judge on appearances alone…well, I probably wouldn't have done that Turkish transsexual that one time, which would have probably been a good thing in hindsight - but I'm sure there's been many occasions where judging a book by it's cover has been wrong of me."

Jill was happy with her sincere apology, but there was just something she couldn't let slide.

"But you know, I can't help but notice that you've eaten my team-mate there, which I've got to say hinders any chance of a friendship forming between us just a little. …But ah, you know what Pedro…that is your name right? Pedro? You look like a Pedro anyways…if you can see past our differences, then so can I." And with that, Jill thrust out her hand in a shake of friendship.

And Pedro bit it.

Jill screamed, yanking her poor, injured hand out from the zombie person's mouth and kicking at the thing until it backed off.

If that's how the cannibal race rolled, she would have no part in it. "Jesus, were you born in a barn? Civilised people don't bite other civilised people you know. It's just not kosher. God, my freaking hand!"

Holding her arm up, Jill found that she now had half a hand.

"Yep, that's just great. Half a hand - three fingers! Thank you very much Pedro, you dumb ass! - You know what?" Jill continued, wagging her half hand at Pedro, "Barry's gonna hear about this - and he has a big gun. You're gonna be in so much trouble!"

The S.T.A.R.S Alpha darted back through the door she'd come from, slamming it shut behind her.

"Jill!" Barry called, standing and turning to face the fast approaching woman. "After much examining and many other forensicy type thingy-ma-bobs, and despite having no kinds of forensic equipment on me at all, I've decided that this blood is actually…red!"

"Sssh Barry, we don't have time for your scientific discoveries right now! In no less than two seconds a zombie type looking person's going to burst through that door despite the fact that no other zombie seems to posses the powerful intellect to open a door from here on out!"

"What?"

Jill snarled in frustration. "Oh forget it! Just get your freaking gun ready alright?!"

As if on cue, Pedro did indeed break through the door at that very moment. Moaning, the reanimated corpse slowly slide towards the pair.

"Watch out! It's a monster!" cried Jill dramatically. Several seconds of silence followed, before she turned to Barry accusingly, "Well come on, it's a bloody monster!…You gonna shoot it or what?"

"You want me to shoot an unarmed civilian? How do you know this guy's even zombie?"

"Well I thought he just looked a bit strange at first, but come on, he ate a big chunk of my hand alright? That's obvious zombie behaviour! - If nothing else I demand retribution!"

"What's the problem? Oh, so you lost some fingers?" Barry jeered, waving his hand around dismissively, "That's just a tiny flesh wound - it's barely noticeable. You can just use a green herb and -"

"That's not the point! I liked those fingers alright? They were my special fingers. And we all know that if I use that herb then new, strange fingers will grow back - _amazingly_ - and what if they're like those fingers of ninety-one huh? You remember, when I had that accident with the vegetable knife and I re-grew my fingers? Those were bad fingers! Those fingers tried to kill me!"

Barry sighed, growing bored with Jill's ranting. Who knew, maybe shooting something might liven up his mood. "Oh alright, I'll just shoot the damn thing. Now, let's see here, one shot from my super powerful Colt Python should put this puppy down."

He drew his Magnum - _well this was rather exciting _- aimed the weapon and -

FIRED!

…Nothing happened.

The zombie had a fresh hole in its stomach, but it continued to sidle forward unabated.

How very anticlimactic.

"What the hell?!" cried Barry, blinking down the barrel of his gun. "That could have put an un-dead giant squid to sleep! The really big ones that eat ships and stuff!"

"Well don't you know?" queered Pedro casually, "I'm the First Encounter Zombie! Which makes me awesome. You see, I have to set a premise here - my job is to make you scared, so it's only natural that I'd be much harder to kill than any zombie after me."

"But, but - I have a Magnum! One of the most powerful weapons ever!"

"Yeah well, no one cares…anyways I'm continuing to shuffle towards you really slowly and in quite an unthreatening manner, are you going to do anything about it or what?"

Barry fired again, this time at the head. Surely a head shot?…

But no, the zombie kept on walking.

"But I've just destroyed your brain!"

"No one cares."

"Barry! Bloody hell you're rubbish at rescuing me - and my half hand is bleeding all over my fine attire, would you hurry up and kill it already?" fumed Jill.

"No! Because I am the invincible zombie! No one can defeat me! I -" Pedro paused mid-boast, staring at the third gun shot wound in his leg - a certainly 'un-fatal in any other time or place' shooting option of the body - and keeled over, crumbling to the floor.

Barry stared at the fallen mess. A perfect circle of blood had formed around it - marking Pedro's end.

"Ok, that made NO sense! I shot the thing in the stomach and the head, and only when I shoot it in the leg does it go down? That's just stupid!"

"Look Barry, everyone knows that the three shots from a Magnum to kill one zombie thing is illogical, but listen…I'm bleeding all over the freaking place and will realistically die soon. …Also, Kenneth was killed too, maybe by this creature…well actually more than likely by it…ok I'm going to go with a ninety-nine point nine percent chance that this thing killed Kenneth, as I did find it chowing down on him, with nothing else in sight, so I'm going to change my original 'maybe' and go with 'more than likely'…"

Barry was staring at her, and not in a good way.

"Anyway, let's report this to Wesker," continued Jill hurriedly, "I'm sure he's finished securing that obviously empty room by now. …Also do you happen to have a potted green herb in your pocket by any chance?"

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…**or are you just happy to see me? Ha ha ha! Comedy gold that ;) **

**And that's the chapter. I really do enjoy writing Jill and Barry, bless em ;) Anyways, feel free to review and see ya'll next time. **


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